Holding back: Chapter 5
Written on: December 16, 2008
Time: 8:54 PM

Why? Why is it that when there is someone in love, there is always a factor that will be holding back that love?

Walking to her ward I was having a moment of what the hell am I doing? I know she’s attached but that didn’t stop me from looking at her in the way I know was deemed inappropriate. Because I’ve known her for so long that I’ve never seen her as a friend but someone closer; but even so, shouldn’t see a person who was closer to a sister rather than a girl that I might be interested in?

Should I be the good guy I’ve always been or should I step out of my shell and think of her the way I wanted, always wanted. I guess there isn’t much I can do but be her good friend for now; she needs one more than a boyfriend.

Reaching her ward I saw that she was sleeping, I didn’t want to disturb her but didn’t want to leave either so instead I placed her snacks on her table and sat on the chair next to her bed. Looking at her sleep, she looked so different, unlike this morning; she looked at peace and also very pretty. I wanted to place my hand on her cheek; I wanted to kiss her soft cheeks. Right then I stopped myself from imagining anything else and stood up wanting to get some coffee. Boy was I tired. Yeah, right how can I lie to myself; I know that I wanted her; for my own.

Walking to the vending machine to get myself a cup of hot coffee, I caught a glimpse of Junjie. Panicking, I walked the other way so that he couldn't get a look at me. I hope he didn’t see me. Even so, I wondered what could he be doing here so late; didn’t they get into a fight just now?

No, I shouldn’t hide. I don’t want her to be hurt again. Turning around, I walked to where I last saw him.

“Hi Junjie.”

“Oh, hi Yiwei.”

He told me that he was just about to go visit her as well. Feeling very awkward, I ask him, “I was wondering, is everything between you and her ok? I know this will seem weird but I saw the both of you fighting this morning.”

“You saw?” hiding his face, “She didn’t tell you why we fought?”

“Huh? Tell me what?”

Not walking anymore, he turned to face me. He looked at me with a strange look on his face.

“Did you know that I love her a lot? But the funny part is the same cannot be the same for her. Did you know that she has had a crush on you for a long time? And did you know that no matter how hard I try, she has never really been mine?”

Not knowing what to say next, I just stared at him blankly.

“I think if you get my meaning, you’d just leave her be. Stop seeing her if possible? Thanks.”

With that he walked away. What should I do? It seems like the tables have turned. It wasn’t because he was making her angry and it was me that they were having the problem in the first place. Not knowing what to do, lost in my own thoughts, I just started walking…