Holding back: Chapter 6
Written on: December 20, 2008
Time: 7:40 PM

I do like her so. It’s not like something that just started but instead it was something that slowly matured in to something more than just liking someone. I wanted her, I wanted to hold her so that she won’t be alone, I wanted to make her smile so that I can chase the sadness, I wanted to make her feel like a princess to make her know that she is very important to me; but I can’t.

What I will be doing goes against my beliefs but to do so will just be torturing for me; I love her and that was that.

Walking to my house, I was trying to rearrange my thoughts so that I wouldn’t look so lost when I do go home. I was in shock, pleasantly and also in quite a disturbed way. I now know the reasons; I can piece together the reasons why she always seems so happy with me, the reason why she can spend so much time with me. I must be one damn slow guy to miss all the signs; like hello? We are right in front of your damn face!

Feeling a multitude of different emotions made me lost, it seems like even I couldn’t convince myself to stop thinking for a second just so that I could have a decently looking face when I reach home. Deciding not to go home, I decided to get something that I haven’t gotten in a long while; cigarettes.

Drawing my first breath, I relaxed all my tense all my muscles and letting the smoke slowly out through my mouth. Feeling a bit more relaxed I took my second.

After a while I started to relax; being able to start thinking straight I decided that I would go and sleep after I went home.

Reaching home, my mother asked me whether Weiqi was feeling any better, telling her that she was, I proceeded to go and bath and sent to bed after soon.

“No matter how I ran towards her, no matter how hard I tried to move I just couldn’t. She was drowning I needed to do something but what could I do? I couldn’t even help myself, seeing her slipping into the water more and more I started to scream.”

“NOOOOOOOO!” waking up with a jolt, I tried to calm myself down; it was just a dream, calm down Yiwei nothing happened to her she going home tomorrow. She is safe, safe.

Not able to sleep well after the nightmare I decided to just go for a walking and calm myself down. Reaching downstairs I took out a cigarette and lighted it. I think at the end of the day the question comes back to what should I do now? I know that she is attached but she isn’t happy, so what should I do? Should I just do what my heart yearns for or should I just be the best friend? No matter what I choose someone will get hurt.

Choices why are there so many choices that I must make. Why can’t life be easier? Consequences of my decision will make people think that I am an evil person but even so I have to choose to free myself from all the headaches and nightmares.

I like her, I do. Why torture ourselves. I know that she likes me too and I know I like her too. I should really talk to her about this before anything.

But what about her boyfriend; should I ignore him and make that risk or should I just be a good person and ignore what I heard on that day.

I really, really need to know what I want.

Finishing my cigarette, I started to walk home.

“Yi~~~wei~~~, YI~~~ WEI~~~!!”

Getting the shock of my life I didn’t stop to turn to see who was calling me. Walking even faster in heard a laughter that belonged to someone that I knew; Michelle…

Turning to face her I said, “Ha-ha… very funny Michelle, anyways what are you doing here and at this unearthly hour?”

Laughing she told me that she lives just a few blocks away and usually if she couldn’t get to sleep she would talk a short walk to help her get to sleep. Coming closer to me she brushed arm against mine and asked me what I was doing here so late at night. Telling her that I was like her, she started laughing, saying that birds of the same feather flock together.

“You smoke? I didn’t know that.” Sounding shocked, she then gave me an evil grin. “Care to share one with me?”

“I should be the one asking you that questions and not you.” Taking out a stick I passed it to her and lighted the cigarette for her.

“You know, Yiwei, you look like you haven’t slept for days on end. And to boot you are smoking in the middle of the night alone. Is anything wrong?”

Walking towards a bench where I last was before I was spooked out of my skin, I told her that I had some problems falling asleep these few days and to try and relax myself I resorted to smoking. This was the first time that I’m actually opening up to her; maybe it was the cool night.

“You don’t mind me lying on your shoulder, do you?” laughing she said, “it’s been quite awhile since I last smoked and I am feeling quite nauseous.” Nodding to her request, she snuggled next to me and laid her head on my shoulder.

Taking the cigarette from her hand, I told her, “You know if you can’t take it I could bring you home? You’ll feel better at home rather than on a bench.”

“Nah, I think you’re shoulder will do fine till I recover.”

Letting her lie on my shoulder, I started to wonder; how can girls smell so good even without perfume. Looking at her, she turned and faced me; bringing her face closer to mine she kissed me. Shocked, I wanted to push her away be instead my body pulled her closer to me. I was enjoying it, but why?

“Ouch!” I clumsily burnt myself with the cigarette bud while kissing her.

Breaking from our embrace, she started laughing again.

“Yiwei, I like you a lot…”